Advice Column

I’m bi. I only tell people whom I trust, and only if and when I think they can handle it. The problem is the gay community sees me as a “fauxbian”. I love women, and don’t feel my sexuality grants me wiggle room. Also, I dedicate myself entirely to whomever I am with. My situation is that women, who are interested in me, use me as their first experience. I can’t have fulfilling relationship with a woman because of a stigma? That is sad. How can I overcome such a seemingly daunting social cast?

- sigh- Never Maybe

Getting what you want always starts with an act of bravery. In this case, it’s coming out. Telling people that you’re bisexual puts the ball in their court. People that love you don’t get to choose the things they like about you, and leave the rest behind. When I came out, I was afraid it was an instant commitment to starting a relationship with another woman. That’s ridiculous. Even if you went your whole life only dating men, it wouldn’t invalidate your identity. Tell people. Eventually, your friends will start doing the work for you. It becomes part of your social being, like your eye color, but way more interesting.

Be brave, “Never Maybe”. The naysayers bore me to tears.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. I came into our relationship with a few minor STDs. I should have told her right away, but since we’ve always had safe sex, I decided it wasn’t important. We’re on the rocks now, and I’m wondering if I should tell her, or let it go?

- Nervous and Sad

Wow. What a great kicker to the end of your relationship. That was sarcasm. I feel that I should say it’s sarcasm, because you and I don’t adhere to the same kind of reality.

I don’t know what “minor” STDs are, but maybe you meant “nonlethal”? STDs that don’t kill you, do not make you stronger. They can lead to cancer, infertility, agonizing pain, psychological trauma, and with complications… death.

Tell her immediately, NS, and brace yourself. I hope you become up front with your sexual health issues, because people need to know before they drink the water.

Last weekend I walked into the men’s bathroom at a popular gay bar. I opened the door to find my boyfriend having oral sex with another man. We’re supposed to be monogamous, but this is the second time I’ve caught him in the act of cheating on me. I wanted to go to couples counseling, but he refuses, and says we don’t have a problem. I don’t know how to fix this, or if it’s fixable at all.

- Broken and Confused

When someone breaks your trust, in any fashion, it is very important to figure out if you will ever forgive him or her. There isn’t an effective therapy or punishment that doesn’t end in forgiveness. BC, if you’ve had enough, I suggest you end this before it gets more ugly than it already is.

Your boyfriend may be trying very hard to be monogamous, but his resolve was destroyed in a room full of toilets, 50 feet away from you. I’d worry about his ability to resist temptation. Try to have a discussion about capability. Are you capable of forgiveness? Is he capable of commitment? I also think therapy sounds like a great idea. Making a promise in front of a third party can clarify.

BC, this might not be fixable. Only you two can answer that question. Try to decide before you both jump back into the mud.


  1. Need Help! says:

    Hi, I was in a relationship I thought was for life but not. He was in need of a car when we got together and against my best judgment we bought a car together. I put the money down on the car and I’ve made every payment since the car was purchased. His driving record was not the best and caused my insurance to go up ALOT! Since separating he the car but I’m still paying for it and the insurance! I’m primary on the car and I know he will not make payments from his side nor does he have the credit to transfer it into his name. When I ask about the car he gets all crazy. He acts like I owe it to him but he charged over 7000 on my Amex which he has not paid one penny toward, he never paid anything toward the house or utilities but yet he cleaned the house out as best he could when he left and now he thinks I should keep paying for the car and insurance while he has another guy! The main reason we separated.

    What to do?

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